The following is an excerpt from Josh Sherman’s in-progress novel, Autoportrait, inspired by Édouard Levé’s work of the same name. VANITY Press previously published an earlier excerpt.
The open-bar rules at the wedding I attended on Dec. 17, 2023, in Elora, Ont., stated "no shots or doubles,” but I found a workaround by simply ordering Manhattans all night.
At the same wedding, I told the bride that “I would’ve totally cried if I knew you or the groom” and that “the vows were way better than the ones at the wedding I was at a few months ago.”
Wide-leg jeans turn me off.
All is vanity, and I’m here for it.
I am not a theatre person.
You could say I’m kind of genre-obsessed; I suffer from a compulsion to categorize any art that I interact with.
Ethically speaking, I think the legal age to appear in porn should be 21, though I’m thankful it’s not.
I tip 20 per cent.
Childproof locks are also effective against me.
I inherited my mom’s nose and ears.
I seldom risk shoplifting because I believe that I have the kind of face that would inspire someone to press charges.
My Grade 8 report card had the following to say about me:
Joshua rarely identifies factors that affect migration & mobility.
With some clarity, Josh demonstrates an understanding of the properties of visible light and other types of electromagnetic radiation.
With some misconceptions, he identifies the various states of water on the earth’s surface.
Joshua often combines a variety of movement skills in basketball & gymnastics.
He needs to come to class in appropriate attire.
Josh rarely brings his mouthpiece to class. When he has had a mouthpiece loaned to him, he has not practiced effectively.
Josh effectively creates formal and informal works of art through symmetrical and asymmetrical designs. Next term focus will be on meeting deadlines.
I slept through the turn of the new millennium in a motel room in Broward County, Fla.
I have stubby fingers to the point where I’m self-conscious.
I’m most self-conscious about my teeth—so self-conscious that, unless I’m sleeping alone, I’ll pull the covers up to my nose to cover my mouth. (I sometimes sleep like this by myself, too.)
My mom knows that my dick is between 7 and 7.5 inches when erect, depending on how turned on I am. She knows this because I made these statements out loud during an online reading she was logged into.
I respond well to negative motivation, which doesn’t make me a good teacher.
I’m bad with names but not faces or outfits.
I’ll remember what you were wearing when we first met.
Some months ago, I was standing outside of a bank waiting for the streetcar when a woman said, “Excuse me” as she walked past me to enter the building. I said, “There was more than enough room for you, no need to say, ‘Excuse me.’” She told me I was rude. That might be true, but I was right; there had been about two feet between us.
I was a suburban kid with a biblical name.
I think the autofiction genre should be renamed “navelgaze.”
I eat the top of the muffin first.
My minimum enjoyable shower length is 15 minutes, with the water heat high but not scalding.
I’m directionally challenged.
I’m a bad liar, but most people are poor judges of truth or believe what they want to hear.
I competed in the 2007 Canadian Open chess tournament at the four-star Ottawa Marriott hotel. It wasn’t my finest showing; I placed 205th out of 280, finishing below many inferior, lower-rated players.
I don’t take issue with literary works for containing many references to other works, but I think a fictional text should be able to stand on its own. Any references to other texts should only add to the reading experience and not be a requirement for enjoyment.
I hold my utensils in a fist, though my table manners are otherwise decent.
The phrase “everything looks like a nail when the only tool you have is a hammer” really resonates with me.
I am a Pushcart Prize-nominated writer because I said so.
I’ve got a coffee maker in my apartment, but on days when I’m working from home, I’ll still walk to a nearby café three separate times for coffee. I say “a cafe” and not which one, specifically, because I rotate out of embarrassment, refusing to visit the same place three times in a single day. Two is OK.
As of Dec. 30, 2023, I have $31,521.29 in savings.
I watch two to three movies per year.
People conclude that my aversion to film is rooted in my being a book snob, but I totally respect the medium as an art form. It just doesn’t appeal to me much because moviemaking depends on the talents of many, whereas I like the singular vision put forward and executed in novels.
In no particular order, my 10 favourite movies: “28 Days Later”; “The Weather Man,” starring Nicolas Cage; “A Quiet Place”; “Dr. Strangelove”; “The Happening”; “Inglourious Basterds”; “Jurassic Park” (1993); “Cube”; “Fight Club”; and the first half of “I Am Legend.”
I’m perpetually late.
I feel fortunate to be part of the last generation that got to experience childhood without the internet and the first generation to come of age with the internet.
I excelled at long-distance running in Grades 7 and 8 but not sprinting.
I am such a stereotypical Aries that I almost believe in astrology. Almost.
New Millennium Boyz author Alex Kazemi did not respond to my last email in which I advised him on how to save his Wikipedia page from deletion.
English is my only language.
My jaw is typically slack.
I graduated from the journalism program at Humber College Institute of Technology and Advanced Learning with honours, in 2014.
Odds are I’ll never get a tattoo if I haven’t already
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Josh Sherman is a Toronto-based writer and disgraced former civil servant. Find more of his work at www.neutralspaces.co/josh_sherman.
Josh Sherman is on X @charmreduction
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